2008

So....

I'm actually a little afraid of this thing because once something is said, it can't be unsaid. There it is in black and white and a throwaway comment said in the heat of emotion or a bad moment is digitally etched into the annals of the world wide web. I'm not sure how significant anything I say actually is but it still is a worry. But I'll speak anyway.

I'm coming towards the end of what has been a difficult year for me. A new chapter is beginning I feel. I have been studying full time at Bible College doing a Bachelor of Theology for four years now and this is coming to an end. I will finish the remaining subjects one at a time over the next few years but I am going to take a 6 month break from it. I desperately need it.

The year is coming to an end for Kingdom Kids, the children's ministry program I run at my church. It's been a hard slog with some successes but many things have happened to make it difficult to bring the ministry to the next level. I have a great team of ladies who I'm really thankful for.

I'm also finishing my first year of high school music teaching. It's a bit strange because I'm not actually a high school teacher, I'm a teacher's aide. But I was thrown in the deep end this year and asked to actually take responsibility for some of the classes for the year and pretty much be their teacher. I loved it and I've learned so much. I feel much better prepared for next year as well. I'm looking at doing this, along with working for a company called 'The Music Bus' (formerly Mobile Music Express) next year, teaching guitar and piano in primary schools. I really hope it all works out because it sounds like it will be lots of fun (and having money will be nice for once too!).

Lots of things happened this year. And I can't say I'm better off for it in all honesty. One of the most major deals this year was my wife's health. At the end of last year, she badly broke her arm. So for 6 months I had to take the full responsibility of running a household with a 2 year old and a baby as well as attending to my wife's every need- down to the very details of bathing her in intense pain and helping her go to the toilet (I'm sure she wouldn't be thrilled by me sharing those details!). I regularly got about 4-5 hours sleep per night (usually interrupted by having to get up and give our baby milk). She couldn't feel her arm and with the nerve damage she sustained there was always a chance her arm wouldn't come back. That doesn't seem to be a problem now, though she is much weaker.

It got to the point where my wife was starting to take on responsibilities again and she regained her strength when a series of viruses swept through our family. My wife was pregnant again by now. It wasn't long after, when one day we were making our way back to the car from the shops where she had a sudden gush of blood that soaked her pants right through. Obviously our hearts were in our throats as we tried to comprehend what just happened. We were sure she had just had a miscarriage. I took her to the hospital in a fog of blank stared disbelief and emptiness, though I wasn't sure what the point was.

They were to run tests. Everything we heard was from the medical staff from there on in continued to be negative and preparing us for the worst. But one thing after the other continued to prove our baby was alive, and holding on. It was a 'threatened miscarriage' caused by a 'subchorionic haematoma'. It could have gone either way. The doctor was basically booking our appointment for the soon-to-be-dead baby to be removed and telling us to expect that. He was pretty blasé about it.

We consulted Dr Google and saw everything from a 50/50 chance of survival to as small as 5%. Joelle had to have absolute bedrest until further notice. Too much movement or strain would start the bleeding again and threaten the baby. So after 6 months of juggling everything, I was doing it again. And not getting much support. Thank God though, our baby survived and the problem has well and truly resolved. He's a fighter!

So I went through this in the midst of running a ministry, doing a full time theology degree, doing my first year of teaching (only 1-2 days a week though) and looking after two small children.

Many other things have happened this year that have knocked me around. The most important is one I can't talk about just yet on here. But it's the very thing that has made everything else almost impossible to cope with.

This year could have been an opportunity for tremendous growth and increased maturity.

Instead, I'm tired, cynical, jaded and burnt out. I'm happiest when I'm in denial.