GOD WAS ALWAYS FAITHFUL!
GOD WAS ALWAYS NEAR!
OUR STORY OF HIS GLORY WAS NEVER, EVER FINISHED!!
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As I walked with my as yet-unknown-future-wife-to-be along the streets of Narrabeen, carefree after a fun school volleyball excursion, I knew this was no ordinary girl. I was besotted with her innocence, her sweetness, her wide-eyed natural beauty, her huge smile and infectious laugh, her radical love for Jesus and her big, big, almost naive dreams. She was going to build orphanages in Africa. She was going to be famous so she could evangelize to broken celebrities. What hit a little closer to home for me was her answer to some of my more personal questions. Apparently, she was going to also get married as young as possible and have something like...say....12 kids will do....
You see, I had a crush on Joelle and I was glad to find out soon enough the feelings were returned. But wow! How was I going to keep up with this girl? She was either an innocent fool, as endearing as that was, or someone who blatantly refused to be crushed by the world's expectations, as painful and disappointing as that could end up being.
Joelle had a child-like faith- the sort of faith that comes with the territory of living a life that matters. The sort that would be ready to make the sacrifices and life choices that would be so necessary if any of the inklings of where my life could be going would prove true. Also the sort that could take a walloping when life seemingly lets you down. You see, pessimists never get disappointed. And Joelle was never a pessimist.
She would be glad to hear that I actually did like kids. In fact, I'd already had a bit of practice with changing nappies and waking to crying babies with my own little brother and sister (with whom I had a fairly large age gap)! Little did I know, she was scoping me out just as much as I was her. Amongst crazy schemes, like buying a kombi van and travelling around Australia preaching the gospel, Joelle got the first part of her wish. We got married when she was 19 and I had just turned 20. As young and crazy as we were, we were deadly serious about betting everything on each other no matter what. We were to be each others rock and we were to grow, love and learn together. And we meant our vows. Through thick and thin.
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Our first few years would prove tumultuous. Our marriage was still a rock but Joelle would go through debilitating depression. I, with Joelle's blessing, will save that story for another post. It is also an incredible story. But, needless to say Joelle came out of that depression in a radical and amazing way and her longing for children would come even more to the fore. It never went away, but now it was firmly on the radar. It was not so much on mine and I was happy to wait until the time was right. But Joelle never felt right taking contraception. It was difficult to insist that Joelle continue to take a pill that would so radically effect her body and that she didn't feel good about. Still, I felt it was not the right choice to come off it just yet, but nonetheless I decided it would be the right thing to do- to seek God and pray about it. So I did.
Joelle and I prayed together and I was shocked by the overwhelming surge that overtook me not long into it. Joelle tells me I yelled out 'NO'! I actually don't remember that. Strange huh? What I do remember is a phrase running around my head that was a little more extreme than what I was used to- 'CONTRACEPTION IS AN ABOMINATION'. I just had this sudden and shocking epiphany that made me outraged with the idea as a stream of biblical ideas and themes swirled through my mind all at once, painting a convincing picture at 100 miles an hour. I didn't expect it. I didn't want it. It wasn't convenient. It was scary to have to face an idea like this, but I had received these kinds of experiences before to have them vindicated, so it wasn't something I was willing to ignore. My mind was radically changed. Still, once again, it was the right thing to seek further wisdom and search the scriptures.
We spoke with our pastor and told him what happened. He paused and reflected in his usual, careful way. I can't actually remember if he said it on the spot or a day or two later- but what I do remember is he prayed about it. He said to us that he personally thought the message was not an all-encompassing theological position for all but God's specific word to us. He gave some for-and-against reasons for why he thought it was so. He had encountered this view before. However, he felt he heard from God that coming off the pill may very well reveal a problem, probably medical.
We thought about his words and decided that we would hide this in our hearts. In other words, we knew at the very least this was directive for us. We still suspected that this was more than just a specific word for us, but we decided we would not impose our position on other christians. We wouldn't even speak of it if we could help it. Either way, it was still something we would need to search the scriptures on before we would be able to give a convincing argument either way. (Not much has changed in this regard 7 years later). We pondered on our pastor's possible prophetic insight but didn't give it much more thought. Joelle stopped taking the pill and we were primed to have our first baby. We were ready for it to happen quickly.
It was obvious Joelle's system wasn't working the way it should after a few months when she came off the pill. It was time to just check things so Joelle got an ultrasound. I remember getting a call while I was at work. It was difficult to understand what she was trying to say through the tears and sobbing. Joelle told me that the ultrasound had revealed that she was suffering from Poly-Cystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS) which would later be confirmed by blood tests. We learnt what this meant and we were devastated. Some of the symptoms could and would be- acne, difficulty in losing weight, increasing facial hair and worst of all- infertility. It was just about impossible for someone with PCOS to conceive naturally without great difficulty. Joelle had already seen stories of people with the condition not conceiving for years and having to take measures such as IVF. It wasn't impossible, but it was highly unlikely.
After all that we had gone through with Joelle's depression, it was hard to comprehend how we could be so cruelly dashed again. We had truly believed that our life calling in God included having a large, loving family. We heard the call to try for children and part of the overwhelming message I had received was to do with the beauty and glory and God's plan of fruitfulness, harvest, legacy and multiplication in life and in family. And with that, the biblical theme of the 'curse' of barrenness (not usually as from God, but as a result of a broken fallen creation). I had seen a glimpse of contraception as 'self-imposed, self-poisoned barrenness' and shutting down the human body from the way God had designed it to function. Now we were faced with the same thing, except as a result of nature rather than our choice. The pill had masked it. Our pastor was right. We were left to pick up the pieces and try and make sense of it.
Time passed and Joelle was still not ovulating. It had not been all that long in the big scheme of things and we were still young, but our fertility specialist decided to put us on Clomid. Basically, he told us that this would supercharge Joelle's system for 3 cycles. Each one would be more powerful than the last and our best chance was the last cycle. After that, if this did not work, we would probably want to start investigating IVF if we were serious about having children because 'it ain't gonna happen'. 3 cycles passed and no baby. Joelle did ovulate twice with her out-of-whack long cycles but no conception (they say that PCOS not only effects the ability to ovulate but the quality of the eggs if you do). This was our best chance scientifically and it had passed. We were left again to wonder what God was doing in all this. Strangely though, an unusual peace was emerging in my spirit. Somehow, deep down, I believed that something was going to happen. This calling could not have been in vain.
We started to look into fostering after this. Could this have been God's path for us? We had some friends who fostered and it certainly warmed our hearts to see the love they were able to pour into these poor, vulnerable children's hearts. No doubt though, it was more of an all-encompassing calling than we saw our life being. For example, they had to stay in Australia under strict rules, while we saw ourselves possibly travelling in the future in ministry (not 'into the future', time-travel was not on our itinerary ;p ).
After all that we had gone through with Joelle's depression, it was hard to comprehend how we could be so cruelly dashed again. We had truly believed that our life calling in God included having a large, loving family. We heard the call to try for children and part of the overwhelming message I had received was to do with the beauty and glory and God's plan of fruitfulness, harvest, legacy and multiplication in life and in family. And with that, the biblical theme of the 'curse' of barrenness (not usually as from God, but as a result of a broken fallen creation). I had seen a glimpse of contraception as 'self-imposed, self-poisoned barrenness' and shutting down the human body from the way God had designed it to function. Now we were faced with the same thing, except as a result of nature rather than our choice. The pill had masked it. Our pastor was right. We were left to pick up the pieces and try and make sense of it.
Time passed and Joelle was still not ovulating. It had not been all that long in the big scheme of things and we were still young, but our fertility specialist decided to put us on Clomid. Basically, he told us that this would supercharge Joelle's system for 3 cycles. Each one would be more powerful than the last and our best chance was the last cycle. After that, if this did not work, we would probably want to start investigating IVF if we were serious about having children because 'it ain't gonna happen'. 3 cycles passed and no baby. Joelle did ovulate twice with her out-of-whack long cycles but no conception (they say that PCOS not only effects the ability to ovulate but the quality of the eggs if you do). This was our best chance scientifically and it had passed. We were left again to wonder what God was doing in all this. Strangely though, an unusual peace was emerging in my spirit. Somehow, deep down, I believed that something was going to happen. This calling could not have been in vain.
We started to look into fostering after this. Could this have been God's path for us? We had some friends who fostered and it certainly warmed our hearts to see the love they were able to pour into these poor, vulnerable children's hearts. No doubt though, it was more of an all-encompassing calling than we saw our life being. For example, they had to stay in Australia under strict rules, while we saw ourselves possibly travelling in the future in ministry (not 'into the future', time-travel was not on our itinerary ;p ).
Still, we were open to fostering or adoption. But Joelle's heart ached and her amazingly strong maternal drives were not being fulfilled. Yet somehow, I still held out hope.
A lady at our church had become pregnant. We were happy for her, but of course we were not without the pangs of hurt that are all to familiar to those who struggle to have children. It was one night, at a regular church mid-week home group where her heart was poured out for us. In a lounge room, in tears, this lady put her hands on my wife, joined by all the others in the room, and fervently and passionately prayed for her. This lady was not usually one to be the loudest in a prayer meeting but she prayed like a heavy burden of compassion would not be lifted any other way- with genuine tears everywhere. I sat to the side and joined their prayer silently. I don't know why I wasn't with them, but I watched and quietly agreed with their prayers. I remember the presence of God in the room was palpable, it was thick, like a warm, sweet, thick fog. I don't know if I have ever been so aware of the Holy Spirit's presence as I was that night. And then, as I sat there, like the sound bouncing around in the walls of my head, I heard what I believe to be God's voice in my mind- "Your prayer has just been answered".
A lady at our church had become pregnant. We were happy for her, but of course we were not without the pangs of hurt that are all to familiar to those who struggle to have children. It was one night, at a regular church mid-week home group where her heart was poured out for us. In a lounge room, in tears, this lady put her hands on my wife, joined by all the others in the room, and fervently and passionately prayed for her. This lady was not usually one to be the loudest in a prayer meeting but she prayed like a heavy burden of compassion would not be lifted any other way- with genuine tears everywhere. I sat to the side and joined their prayer silently. I don't know why I wasn't with them, but I watched and quietly agreed with their prayers. I remember the presence of God in the room was palpable, it was thick, like a warm, sweet, thick fog. I don't know if I have ever been so aware of the Holy Spirit's presence as I was that night. And then, as I sat there, like the sound bouncing around in the walls of my head, I heard what I believe to be God's voice in my mind- "Your prayer has just been answered".
2 weeks later we found out Joelle was pregnant. We would have conceived on or very close to that night.
To be continued.... (it gets way better :) )
