New Strings

Today, I put new strings on my guitar.

         It was like being reintroduced to an old, neglected friend. My plan was to replace just one string which I knew had broken. But as I looked upon the darkened, dirty strings, that by now would let out a dead, dull sound, I took a moment to reflect.

         These strings once rung out praises as I would furiously and joyously filled the air with sound meant for Him, meant to invite and draw hearts to join in the eternal song. I remembered the little faces that looked to me with brightness in their eyes and joyous wonder as we sang, laughed, clapped and danced together. It was a supernatural and surreal experience to see these little one's lights turn on, to see them experiencing the joy and wonder of the knowledge and presence of God. To see their hearts and souls awaken, for perhaps the first time, to their Creator. To experience a taste of a God who's glory is wider, louder and more expansive than the universe, but who is loving enough to tell their little, vulnerable hearts- 'You are mine. I know you. I love you. I won't hurt you. My attention is totally for you. Walk with me' with all the quietness and gentleness of the most loving father.

        There weren't many of them, but I looked at each individual- a world, a universe, a consiousness all of their own. They would never looked through anyone else's eyes but their own. And they were worth all the prayer, preparation and seeking-after-God for their souls. Every one of them. I loved having the kids of that church in my pastoral care. I loved serving families and working with the parents to help them raise incredible God-warriors, secure in His love.  

        The memories echoed in my mind as my eyes ran up and down these strings that had deadened with time and neglect. Sure, I had used the guitar for my work at times. But I never felt the need to change those strings for some reason. It seemed I had to put the guitar down more years ago than I had realized- a time when the very foundations of my faith were swept from underneath me and I was left to circle what felt like a never ending whirlpool, waiting for the drain to swallow me. I had to watch those little ones I had led watch me almost drown before their eyes as I went from jumping around at the front of the church to sitting at the back, head-in-hands, using every ounce of strength that I had left to scream at my soul 'You will not get up. You will not walk away. You will stay seated here. If it's all you can do. God will come through'. I cried when I left that church for the first time. Hopefully, the children I served were not discouraged. Hopefully they saw someone what it looked like for someone to seek after God, both in a time of feast and a time of famine.

        I was going through a dark night of the soul. I was going through a trial that rocked me to my very foundations. I refused to ignore my questions, my struggles. If I had anything at all, it was that I would be honest, transparent. And that meant my life would look messy. I refused to put on a mask. But I always knew that I knew, that if God was real, which I believed He was, that He would come through. There would be a point to all this. It would be at the point when there would be nothing left of me and I was in a place of pure desperation, He would come through. He had to. And He did. I could have easily numbed myself and lied to myself. But I knew God was wanting to build something deeper in me, something that would last. It was so very painful, but I believe God has given me the foundations I longed so deeply for and fought so hard for with sweat and tears into the early hours of many mornings. He answered my questions. He has spoken to my spirit and I know that I know that I am a child of God. I know that Jesus is the beginning and the end and each day is a choice to build on Him.

       Tomorrow, I am embarking on a new season. I will be plugging in my guitar. Hearing the echo of my amplified voice in a microphone and when I look up I will see a crowd of children who don't know me. It will be up to me to point them to Jesus. It will be my responsibility to worship God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength and hope that the crowd of eyes looking at me will want to follow. I'll do it with the love language of laughter and fun. I'll do it with prayer and a smiling seriousness when needed. I'm terrified and battling with the usual feeling of being way out of my depth when I start something new. But I know that each time I have felt this way before and have run to God for his strength and spirit, that He has come through and it all turns out fine. I don't know, maybe some people will see it as just playing a song to some kids while the adults do 'real' worship in the auditorium. But to me, the privilege, honour and terror of bringing a child a metaphorical glass of water in Jesus' name, bringing them to the real Living Water. 

      So as I put on these new strings- bright, fresh and with the ring and shimmer of youth- I do it with a smile and a deep, indescribable sense of a refreshed soul. I do it with a sense that the time is right and a new season is beginning. I know there will be challenges to come and a life after Jesus is a life that will have suffering, but I know that God is building in me an everlasting inheritance, and a strengthened spirit that will be able to withstand ever increasing pressures as I step out. All I have within me is the name of Jesus burning in my bones like never before and I can't wait to speak it and the life it brings to more and more souls- young AND old.

The children we weren't supposed to have- PCOS and Our Story of God's Glory Pt 2

This is the second post in our story. The first one is here.

Israelle Hope Skinner was born September the 1st 2005- just after midnight.

She was born on the first day of spring which to us represented new life after the barrenness of winter. My wife had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it was supposed to be almost impossible to conceive naturally. Even after 3 rounds of the fertility drug Clomid, after which the effect drops, she still did not conceive. We were told to consider IVF but instead, after a powerful impromptu prayer time at a home group meeting at our church, God dropped the words in my heart "Your prayer has just been answered". We found out 2 weeks later that Joelle had indeed conceived against all odds and it would have happened around that night.

Israelle was a bright, healthy, joyful girl from the start. We knew our precious girl was a miracle and we stayed faithful to God's calling. We continued to stay off contraception and allowed God to take control of the opening and closing of Joelle's womb. We knew that breastfeeding would act like a contraception for a while anyway. During Israelle's first year, our pastor prayed for Joelle's healing. One time as he prayed with her, he said he saw a vision of cysts dropping off. We hid this in our hearts and continued with our lives. Later, Joelle had another blood test which showed no signs any longer of PCOS in the hormone levels so the diagnosis was changed to PCO.

On Issy's 1st birthday we decided to have a combined birthday party and baby dedication at our little church. We invited friends and family, many of whom were not Christians. When we got to the baby dedication part of the service I got the opportunity to speak. So with the microphone in my hand and a huge smile on my face, I got to tell all of them what God had done- how God had answered our prayers for a child and how it all happened. It was exciting to share a real life example of the reality of God in our lives.

After the service, my skeptical uncle came up to me and said "You know it was a fluke right? You know it's probably not going to happen again?". I smiled and said something to the effects of 'maybe, we'll see'.

Later that week, I got to call that uncle with some more good news. "Guess what? Joelle's pregnant again!".

It still gets better....

To be continued.

The Daily Telegraph and Hillsong

So another Christian 'leader' fails. Yet I suspect the aim of this article goes a little beyond the person in question. Brenden Hills has a bit of an agenda here I feel. Decide for yourself.

I'm writing in response to the Daily Telegraph article in today's paper titled 'US Evangelist Jason Hooper claims he's on a mission from god'

Of course seeing another Christian 'leader' publicly fail makes me upset and disappointed. What makes me more disappointed however, is the deceptiveness of this article. I hope anyone with intelligence will see through exactly what they are doing here. The journalist mentions Hillsong twice (included with a link to wikipedia). His 'Hillsong protege' (who did nothing wrong) once studied at Hillsong leadership college but that's where the connection ends. He is associated with Rick Joyner's Morningstar Church which is completely unrelated to Hillsong accept for being somewhere on the same radar of being Pentecostal in practice (a movement of Christianity which is now second to Roman Catholicism in global adherence), though in completely different denominations. It would be like condemning the Anglicans for a failing of a Uniting Church minister. (In fact, it's sad to say that he seems to have ministered recently with a few preachers that had gained a high profile in controversial charismatic practices and fell publicly and suddenly.)

This is a movement neither Hillsong or the denomination it is a part of, the Assemblies of God, have ever associated themselves with. Then he poisons the well again by saying his uptempo preaching style was similar to Hillsong. That is certainly casting a wide net. Most effective evangelical preachers could be described that way.

So if I've got this right......

Fallen drunken revivalist getting away with it= uptempo preacher= Bad Hillsong?

I hope people see what the Daily Telegraph are trying to do here-the worst and most deceptive kinds of logical fallacies being used by the media to attack a church of Jesus Christ. Now a church I choose to call home.

P.S. Notice the small 'g' for God in the title. Is this a typo or subtly intentional?

Blind in my Oasis

I recently watched two documentaries- The first was 'Earthlings', which is about the exploitation of animals for human comfort and it's cruel excesses. The second was the first two of three episodes of 'Go Back to Where You Came From' which takes 6 Australians with strong opinions about the Australian illegal immigrant issue and gets them to walk the walk that refugees experience, in reverse. I have been overcome with indescribable emotions. Guilt? Anger? What do I do with this?

I sit here on my frickin' comfortable leather couch that was probably torn off some poor Indian cow that was probably tortured before death in my comfortable little oasis with a full fridge, shelter, doors unlocked not even thinking that we are in any danger with warm clothes on my fancy computer, wasting hours on nothing and indulgent comfort. All around me are the products of the exploitation of people and people groups. I live in an Oasis whilst most of the world is living in hell on earth. And our nation demands to keep those that are fleeing danger out and beg to come here for a new start. I think all of us Westerners are going to have a lot to answer for on judgment day. I feel sick and tired from crying. All I know is that this is not even the tip of the iceberg. I wish I wasn't so selfish and sinful. I wish I could live the life that would be the logical response to these facts but I'm weak. Holy Spirit, help.

The children we weren't supposed to have- PCOS and our story of God's glory pt 1

It was only a few months ago now that I stood up in front of a 100 or so people- church, friends and family- and told the story I am about to write here (in 3 parts). It ended with a loud cheer and applause as I announced what was surely to be a great vindication of everything God has done in our lives- His abiding presence and faithfulness, even in the darkest times when we could swear we were all but abandonded in the cold. They cheered because they knew. They knew the significance of what we were announcing. It was more than just an announcement of a new child to come, it was a ringing shout;

GOD WAS ALWAYS FAITHFUL!
GOD WAS ALWAYS NEAR!
OUR STORY OF HIS GLORY WAS NEVER, EVER FINISHED!!

--------

As I walked with my as yet-unknown-future-wife-to-be along the streets of Narrabeen, carefree after a fun school volleyball excursion, I knew this was no ordinary girl. I was besotted with her innocence, her sweetness, her wide-eyed natural beauty, her huge smile and infectious laugh, her radical love for Jesus and her big, big, almost naive dreams. She was going to build orphanages in Africa. She was going to be famous so she could evangelize to broken celebrities. What hit a little closer to home for me was her answer to some of my more personal questions. Apparently, she was going to also get married as young as possible and have something like...say....12 kids will do....

You see, I had a crush on Joelle and I was glad to find out soon enough the feelings were returned. But wow! How was I going to keep up with this girl? She was either an innocent fool, as endearing as that was, or someone who blatantly refused to be crushed by the world's expectations, as painful and disappointing as that could end up being.

Joelle had a child-like faith- the sort of faith that comes with the territory of living a life that matters. The sort that would be ready to make the sacrifices and life choices that would be so necessary if any of the inklings of where my life could be going would prove true. Also the sort that could take a walloping when life seemingly lets you down. You see, pessimists never get disappointed. And Joelle was never a pessimist.

She would be glad to hear that I actually did like kids. In fact, I'd already had a bit of practice with changing nappies and waking to crying babies with my own little brother and sister (with whom I had a fairly large age gap)! Little did I know, she was scoping me out just as much as I was her. Amongst crazy schemes, like buying a kombi van and travelling around Australia preaching the gospel, Joelle got the first part of her wish. We got married when she was 19 and I had just turned 20. As young and crazy as we were, we were deadly serious about betting everything on each other no matter what. We were to be each others rock and we were to grow, love and learn together. And we meant our vows. Through thick and thin.

---------

Our first few years would prove tumultuous. Our marriage was still a rock but Joelle would go through debilitating depression. I, with Joelle's blessing, will save that story for another post. It is also an incredible story. But, needless to say Joelle came out of that depression in a radical and amazing way and her longing for children would come even more to the fore. It never went away, but now it was firmly on the radar. It was not so much on mine and I was happy to wait until the time was right. But Joelle never felt right taking contraception. It was difficult to insist that Joelle continue to take a pill that would so radically effect her body and that she didn't feel good about. Still, I felt it was not the right choice to come off it just yet, but nonetheless I decided it would be the right thing to do- to seek God and pray about it. So I did.

Joelle and I prayed together and I was shocked by the overwhelming surge that overtook me not long into it. Joelle tells me I yelled out 'NO'! I actually don't remember that. Strange huh? What I do remember is a phrase running around my head that was a little more extreme than what I was used to- 'CONTRACEPTION IS AN ABOMINATION'. I just had this sudden and shocking epiphany that made me outraged with the idea as a stream of biblical ideas and themes swirled through my mind all at once, painting a convincing picture at 100 miles an hour. I didn't expect it. I didn't want it. It wasn't convenient. It was scary to have to face an idea like this, but I had received these kinds of experiences before to have them vindicated, so it wasn't something I was willing to ignore. My mind was radically changed. Still, once again, it was the right thing to seek further wisdom and search the scriptures.

We spoke with our pastor and told him what happened. He paused and reflected in his usual, careful way. I can't actually remember if he said it on the spot or a day or two later- but what I do remember is he prayed about it. He said to us that he personally thought the message was not an all-encompassing theological position for all but God's specific word to us. He gave some for-and-against reasons for why he thought it was so. He had encountered this view before. However, he felt he heard from God that coming off the pill may very well reveal a problem, probably medical.

We thought about his words and decided that we would hide this in our hearts. In other words, we knew at the very least this was directive for us. We still suspected that this was more than just a specific word for us, but we decided we would not impose our position on other christians. We wouldn't even speak of it if we could help it. Either way, it was still something we would need to search the scriptures on before we would be able to give a convincing argument either way. (Not much has changed in this regard 7 years later). We pondered on our pastor's possible prophetic insight but didn't give it much more thought. Joelle stopped taking the pill and we were primed to have our first baby. We were ready for it to happen quickly.

It was obvious Joelle's system wasn't working the way it should after a few months when she came off the pill. It was time to just check things so Joelle got an ultrasound. I remember getting a call while I was at work. It was difficult to understand what she was trying to say through the tears and sobbing. Joelle told me that the ultrasound had revealed that she was suffering from Poly-Cystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS) which would later be confirmed by blood tests. We learnt what this meant and we were devastated. Some of the symptoms could and would be- acne, difficulty in losing weight, increasing facial hair and worst of all- infertility. It was just about impossible for someone with PCOS to conceive naturally without great difficulty. Joelle had already seen stories of people with the condition not conceiving for years and having to take measures such as IVF. It wasn't impossible, but it was highly unlikely.

After all that we had gone through with Joelle's depression, it was hard to comprehend how we could be so cruelly dashed again. We had truly believed that our life calling in God included having a large, loving family. We heard the call to try for children and part of the overwhelming message I had received was to do with the beauty and glory and God's plan of fruitfulness, harvest, legacy and multiplication in life and in family. And with that, the biblical theme of the 'curse' of barrenness (not usually as from God, but as a result of a broken fallen creation). I had seen a glimpse of contraception as 'self-imposed, self-poisoned barrenness' and shutting down the human body from the way God had designed it to function. Now we were faced with the same thing, except as a result of nature rather than our choice. The pill had masked it. Our pastor was right. We were left to pick up the pieces and try and make sense of it.

Time passed and Joelle was still not ovulating. It had not been all that long in the big scheme of things and we were still young, but our fertility specialist decided to put us on Clomid. Basically, he told us that this would supercharge Joelle's system for 3 cycles. Each one would be more powerful than the last and our best chance was the last cycle. After that, if this did not work, we would probably want to start investigating IVF if we were serious about having children because 'it ain't gonna happen'. 3 cycles passed and no baby. Joelle did ovulate twice with her out-of-whack long cycles but no conception (they say that PCOS not only effects the ability to ovulate but the quality of the eggs if you do). This was our best chance scientifically and it had passed. We were left again to wonder what God was doing in all this. Strangely though, an unusual peace was emerging in my spirit. Somehow, deep down, I believed that something was going to happen. This calling could not have been in vain.

We started to look into fostering after this. Could this have been God's path for us? We had some friends who fostered and it certainly warmed our hearts to see the love they were able to pour into these poor, vulnerable children's hearts. No doubt though, it was more of an all-encompassing calling than we saw our life being. For example, they had to stay in Australia under strict rules, while we saw ourselves possibly travelling in the future in ministry (not 'into the future', time-travel was not on our itinerary ;p ).

Still, we were open to fostering or adoption. But Joelle's heart ached and her amazingly strong maternal drives were not being fulfilled. Yet somehow, I still held out hope.

A lady at our church had become pregnant. We were happy for her, but of course we were not without the pangs of hurt that are all to familiar to those who struggle to have children. It was one night, at a regular church mid-week home group where her heart was poured out for us. In a lounge room, in tears, this lady put her hands on my wife, joined by all the others in the room, and fervently and passionately prayed for her. This lady was not usually one to be the loudest in a prayer meeting but she prayed like a heavy burden of compassion would not be lifted any other way- with genuine tears everywhere. I sat to the side and joined their prayer silently. I don't know why I wasn't with them, but I watched and quietly agreed with their prayers. I remember the presence of God in the room was palpable, it was thick, like a warm, sweet, thick fog. I don't know if I have ever been so aware of the Holy Spirit's presence as I was that night. And then, as I sat there, like the sound bouncing around in the walls of my head, I heard what I believe to be God's voice in my mind- "Your prayer has just been answered".

2 weeks later we found out Joelle was pregnant. We would have conceived on or very close to that night.

To be continued.... (it gets way better :) )

Speak now, or forever have no peace....

It's been a good, long time now. I have so much to share. I'm ready to step up! More to come...

Jeremiah 20:9 (ESV)
If I say, “I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,”
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.

It's been over a year

Has it really been that long? Over a year? Wow! I think I'm ready to start blogging again but we'll see how we go. In a much better place now.